When Niceness Isn’t Kindness: How to Spot the Counterfeit and Grow the Real Fruit

We live in a culture that prizes niceness. We’re trained to smile, stay agreeable, avoid conflict, and keep others comfortable. But as I’ve been digging deeper into the fruit of the Spirit, I’ve learned something both surprising and freeing:

🚫 Niceness and kindness are not the same thing.
🎯 One is a cultural expectation. The other is a spiritual transformation.

And if we don’t learn how to tell the difference, we may settle for a shallow version of kindness—one that looks sweet on the outside but leaves our souls hungry for the real thing.

Biblical kindness—the fruit of the Spirit—runs far deeper than mere pleasantries. In fact, niceness can actually become a counterfeit that hides insecurity, fear, and people-pleasing beneath a polished exterior.

If we want to walk in genuine kindness, we must learn to spot the difference between the world’s version (niceness) and God’s (kindness). In this blog, we will discover how to distinguish between counterfeit niceness, which drains us, and Spirit-led kindness, which frees us.

Niceness Has a History… and It’s Not Pretty

It may surprise you that the English word nice once meant “foolish,” “ignorant,” or “naïve,” derived from the Latin nescius, meaning “not knowing.” Over time, the word softened to mean pleasant or agreeable, but the old roots whisper a warning: niceness often lacks substance.

🚫 Niceness seeks comfort, approval, and emotional safety.
🎯 Kindness seeks transformation, truth, and the good of others.

This is why Andrew Dickinson says, “Nice is not a virtue, because it is not an interior habit of choosing the good.”

🚫 Niceness focuses on being liked.
🎯 Kindness focuses on being like Christ.

Where Niceness Comes From — and Why It’s So Draining

Many of us learned to be “nice” because it was safer than being honest. Maybe we were taught to avoid conflict at all costs, or to keep our true feelings hidden to keep the peace. Maybe we learned early on that pleasing others helped us avoid rejection or criticism.

But here’s what happens over time:

• We say yes when we’re overwhelmed.
• We swallow hurt instead of addressing it.
• We keep everyone comfortable while we silently crumble.
• We become resentful, overextended, and exhausted.

🚫 Niceness often grows out of fear, of disappointing others, or not being enough.
🎯 Kindness grows out of love.

🚫 Niceness tries to avoid pain.
🎯 Kindness is willing to face pain to bring healing.

Where Kindness Comes From — and Why It’s Transformative

Kindness is the fruit God grows in us as we walk with him. It’s rooted in his nature—his chesed, or covenantal, loyal, steadfast love.

Kindness is strong, wise, courageous, and discerning.
It is tender, yes, but never timid.

Jesus was kind, but He was not “nice.”
He spoke the truth.
He confronted sin.
He set boundaries.
He loved boldly.
He refused to people-please.

Kindness, as Christ displayed, has backbone, whereas niceness lacks the spiritual power to heal, restore, or confront.

Kindness flows out of the Spirit at work within us (Galatians 5:22-23). People who are kind have the strength to speak truth, set boundaries, confront gently, forgive quickly, and love boldly as Christ did.

Kindness vs. Niceness—The Difference in One Simple Chart

Here’s a chart that helps break down the differences between the true fruit of kindness and its counterfeit, niceness.

How to Discern the Difference Between Kindness and Niceness

This table reveals the following critical truth.

Coming Up: Next week, we will continue exploring this topic by looking at how a culture of niceness can be dangerous and practical steps for moving from niceness to true kindness.

Do you want to learn how to walk in freedom and cultivate God’s kindness in your own life?
Learn more about the fruit of kindness and explore additional thought-provoking posts on our Fruit of Faith Blog. Interested in going deeper in your faith? Consider joining our BibleSpot S.T.A.R.s Discipleship Program, a 90-day intensive study and coaching program beginning in January 2026. We hope to be an encouraging part of your spiritual journey!